ooh! this is fun.

look! a giraffe!

hahahahaha oooohohohohoh hehehehehe. that's just what came to mind. see the giraffe? see him? he's purdy. he's eating all the leaves off of my tree.

what can i say? it's finals and i don't care. i'm moving in approximately 5 and a half days and I have yet to start packing. yesssssir.

wish me luck, or freaking come help. my new apartment is amazing, and my new roommate is pretty funny too. we talked tonight about making snow angels in our little backyard because she's going to be so enthralled with seeing snow (she's moving to chicago from birmingham, alabama). she's in for an icy surprise.

anyhoooooo. update when i'm not feeling so sillllllly.

oh, what a crazy time it is.

it seems as though i'm updating, really, just to shout out to the world that i do not like being isolated in my apartment, furiously typing away at a paper that i will be done with tomorrow and forgotten about the next day. i do not like being disconnected from the joy i feel about life and the ability to live it, but rather am confined to a small space with no opportunity to play and experience with people i like spending time with. i do not like feeling depressed and alone with no relief in the near future--especially since i am not a depressive person at all, and loneliness has a hard time being dignified when you take its time away with useless bullshit like german skits, sociology papers, and last-minute tests.

ahhh. breathe. this will be over soon, and i can go back to the ease of living in the moment. comparatively speaking, it seems a lot easier to not worry about everything i have to do--but rather focus on the time that is now, being silent and counting every beat of my heart as the first.

i love november.

november is my favorite month.

the weather takes a turn for the cold,
the leaves lay scattered in the streets,
the sun sets by 4:45 in the afternoon,
all signifying the beginning of hibernation.

not to mention: the last full month of the semester, turkey day, my birthday, jess's birthday, adam's birthday, lots of freaking birthdays.

it's happy time alllllllll month.
right this moment, i'm happy.

drove to chicago.

"you came to take us
all things go, all things go
to recreate us
all things grow, all things grow
we had our minds set
all things known, all things known,
you had to find it
all things go, all things go"

you know, despite the fact that i haven't lived my life in a way that seems most beneficial to me now, it's been exactly the way it's supposed to have been. i could take the attitude that everything sucks and life is awful and futile and pointless, and the only refuge i have is to feel sorry for myself. i really can't do that.

i feel so hopeful about what may lie ahead. but also, about what the present means. the present is emotion that i never wanted to feel, tasks i never wanted to complete, a person i always hid from. i am here in this moment, naked and cold, ready to be clothed and made warm again.

thank God for sufjan stevens. i think i have spiritual experiences through music and the way it makes me feel more than anything else.

lars and the real girl.

i was touched last night. waiting in the theater for "lars and the real girl" to begin, i wasn't sure what i was expecting to see. the previews i'd seen revealed very little about the story of the movie, but i had the inkling it'd be something i'd enjoy.

i'm not a writer. i can't craft sentences. i'm not flowery. i appreciate people's use of language, and there are many ways i'd like to say things. but i guess it's not me. i'm pretty straightforward.

"lars" proved to me that love does exist. many things handicap our ability to be emotional, to love, to care about other people, but this movie abandoned the boundaries people create for themselves. The movie encouraged a man, terrified of being loved or unloved, to take his time, to have a relationship that would allow himself to be present to the relationships that really did exist in his life. this movie also demonstrated the capacity a community has, to love someone despite their perception of reality. the great thing about this movie, however, is that it allows the question, "what is real?" to be tossed about in one scene, but then cradled like an infant in another. what is real, of course, is whatever we want it to be, and the movie knows.

i may not be particularly good at expressing myself in words, but i don't know how else i can say that this film was incredible, and there is absolutely no reason why you shouldn't see it. this movie strengthens my faith in love.

worrrrrd.

i'm busy. but am i really busy? or am i busy doing things that make me feel busy, when i'm not actually getting anything done? heh.

sometimes you have to wonder, "is this really what's meant to be occurring?" but then, i respond, well, yeah, it is, because it's happening. so whatever's happening now is what should be happening. even if it sucks, it's great, it's boring, it's whatever. our perception doesn't change the reality of now. or does it? our perception can mask reality, try to make it what we think it ought to be, should be, what we want it to be, but really, there's a constant of the universe that exists whether we like it or not. i believe that there is a capital T Truth and it's up to use to acknowledge, live, and stand for it.

i have no idea where that came from. i guess that's what happens when you don't really have anything to say, but you decide to blog.

anyway, i've been realizing some really great things. there are all these decisions i've made over the course of my life to make my life what it is. i've spent a lot of time thinking that life has happened to me to make me what i am, when really i have the choice to choose sanity over insanity. life isn't just something that washes over me and makes me helpless in my current situation. i really have the ability to connect with others and make a decision in a direction that helps me to be me, the effective human being that i was made to be.

yessssir.

well, well.

here we are.
::sniff sniff::
i love the smell of fall.

i wrote a poem/song yesterday.
i'm not totally happy with the music i set to it, so that may change, but last night, i found myself driving in the dark, on the verge of tears. i stopped for some smokes (bad girl) and fought them to write what i felt would come out. it turned into a tale of reconciling the decision i made and the pain that comes with it, but ultimately, the time that suffering is endured is actually meant for healing. so...we'll see.

i'm meeting with this guy, wayne, on thursday. he's a bassist, plays in a blues/funk/pop band, and we're going to work on some music together. i'm pretty excited about it.

i know no one reads this anymore, but with the hope that there is still an audience, i bid you adieu.

hello friends.

i will make this as short as possible.

if that is possible.

this past weekend was a great labor day weekend. jack and i went to michigan where his mom rented a lake house (right across the street from the beach...basically on the opposite side of the lake from chicago). his mom, her boyfriend, jack's two aunts, his sister and her husband and their new baby were all there, and it was a really nice, quiet, do-for-others weekend and i really enjoyed the time i spent with him. i threw away my expectations of how our relationship should be (which got us into a big fight the weekend before, a rare occurance) and just let him be, and tried to be myself as best i could. this resulted in a good connection between us like i hadn't felt in a while. i have to say, i wasn't always the best at being myself, because it's something i have to practice, but i really enjoyed the time with him. i'm thinking God will take care of the outcome between us, and i'm cool with that. trying to predict and plan what will happen is too much work.

school's in session, and there are some classes i like, some i don't. i'm really itching to be done in general. obviously i won't be for a while, but i'm interested to see what's out there for me, considering i don't really know what direction i'm heading in except graduation from college.

i don't have a whole lot more to say at this point, as i'm tired from the day, and i'm going to sit on my bum for a while, maybe order a pizza, and veggggg out. tomorrow i'm going to lunch with the boy and tomorrow night is up for grabs, although i've got to be up on saturday to cook breakfast for senior citizens. hey, if i can't do it for grandma, then i can do it for someone's grandma!

love you all, keep me posted.

good morning.

it's 12:08am, and jack just left. he's not sleeping over tonight because he wants to get used to waking up early for the semester. he definitely has more sense than i do, as i was up until 5:30am last night--really for no good reason except the overnight shift doormen are fun to hang out with at the service desk and i couldn't sleep. no need to make jackson jealous, however. it's more like a sociology project than anything else. i've asked a couple of the the guys about their lives and where they grew up and such. so many people have different experiences that i would have no way of knowing if i didn't ask. hmm.

so class starts on monday--this is a relief because i'm relatively bored and out of things to do besides smoke cigarettes, which i don't want to be doing anyway (no lectures, ladies!) when i spend too much time in my head, it gets intolerable and i can't function as well because i end up thinking that everything and everyone in life is out to get me. exactly, ridiculous. so the more time i spend doing constructive things, like going to school and learning and volunteering for different things, the better i feel.

this weekend i'm cooking breakfast with this organization called "chicago cares" for a group of seniors in lincoln park. i wanted to do something for older people because since i can't really be with my g-ma all the time, i want to help people that are in a similar position. except these people don't necessarily have the money to always cook for themselves, so i'm glad i can help, even if it's just scrambling eggs.

i'm super sleepy and my head weighs a thousand pounds.

the weather was really awesome tonight, even though i heard that it really took a toll on the chicagoland area. unfortunately, em's parents' house was affected, and many places don't have power.

i turned out all the lights in my apartment and lit candles, opened the windows, and watched the storm start. it was amazing. the sky was teal and grey, a glass of water with food coloring just added. so beautiful.

anyhoo, this is long, and i love you all. talk to you soon and good morning!

p.s. steph if you read this, where in the heck are those reeeeediciulous pictures you took? hmm? that's what i thought.

new bloggy.

hello friends and family and whoever else may choose to follow the life and times of me.

i have decided to start a new bloggy because the old one lost its appeal. at least for me, it did. i was going through a lot at the time i stopped writing and i didn't really know how to begin again without explaining everything in detail for days. so, without further ado, here i am! i'm baaaaaaccccccckkkkk. and now all you people who need more things to do on the internet can check my bloggy with the obsessiveness one would a facebook or myspace or stock quotes. heh heh.

anyway, i love you all, and of course, more coming soon. =)