Not quite the final final.

Tomorrow morning, bright and early at 8am, I take my last final (well, kind of, but even that is a story for another day) of the semester. While this may seem relieving, it's not really, as I begin a ridiculous 4-week intensive Chemistry class on the 19th (more about that later as well). Then, I'm off for about a month, and for the final bow, head to Germany for the last 4-week stint of classes.

The end is somewhat in sight, but not really, considering going to Germany doesn't quite feel real. Also, I've been considering the next step, and I have no idea what I'm going to do. I feel like I could channel my energy in a lot of different ways, but only time will tell. And right now, all I have is time to take.

I'm really happy for all my ladies who are moving on after this weekend, and I can't wait to help you all celebrate such an awesome occasion. I'm glad I've got the means to end an era with you.

there's a fork in my dessert.

well, thanks for the calls to check up on me. i'm sorry for the calls i haven't returned, as they will come in due time. which basically means when i'm not obsessed with how angry i am that i took finite mathematics for business this semester. ugh.

anyway, i don't really want to disclose everything that happened on the blog, but i will say that my life seemed like dessert, and i was stuck with a fork unexpectedly. i am not particularly ready to be eaten, or even played with. but things are changing and i want to adopt the healthiest attitudes about life that i can. this is not easy, considering my brain has been washed meticulously over the last several years. ick.

anyway, love you all, and even when you don't comment me, i can feel you lurking. and i love it. xoxo.

devastation.

i don't know what else to say. i don't even know how to say what i'm feeling right now. what happened is not okay, and i don't even know that i'm sure how to process what's happened at this point.

i am incredibly hurt by what happened this evening. it will be interesting to see what happens as a result. i don't even know how to talk about it. i can't even fucking type about it. i don't expect anyone to understand.

i hate that there is not much i can do but i feel compelled to do everything i can.

Where to begin?

I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do. It is perhaps a problem that I want to accomplish too many things--this drive, while ambitious, leaves me confused and with no starting point. When I determine a path, I end up questioning it. I don't know how to not question it.

The fact of the matter is, every day that I don't do something with music (specifically MY music, because most of the time I deny to myself that I am even a musician) I die a little more inside. I know, I know, dramatic--but perhaps not altogether untrue. When I sing, it is the only time that my mind isn't filled with nonsense, and I feel most at peace.

Now, my rabbi has said that I should become a cantor--he understands what singing does for me--but holy or liturgical music is not my experience. Sure, the haunting melodies moved me as a girl in Hebrew school. In fact, the song sessions after Tuesday afternoon hours provided the only lasting connection between me and Judaism. But, in writing, my life molds the melody, my actions write the words, therefore making what comes out of my mouth holy. It is the closest I ever get to the truth.

I don't even know where to start. Sure, I've probably expressed this somewhat before. I've been to music business classes, read how-to websites, I've even listened to Dave Barnes talk about how he started his musical journey. Yet, I don't want to pretend that I know what I'm doing. This world is so much about projecting an image, and I know very much that I don't know what I'm doing, nor do I know what to project since I can admit I don't know much. Of course, I prefer this state to pretending to know, but since I don't have a "face" conjured up for the "real world" I don't think people will respect or encourage my efforts. Although the normal advice might be, "You won't know until you try," I think my question is a little more complicated.

Not even sure if there's really an answer. Like my wise rabbi told me, "You are a seeker. And the problem with seekers, is that seekers never find."

forgive me, for i have been careless...

...it's been too long. there have been a lot of things happening since i last updated. some good, some bad, but a little bit of everything.

jack and i are doing really well. in the last post, i announced that we were back together. i think i was a little worried about how things would go, but life is back to normal...with a little more energy. one of the things that jack and i talked about during the "negotiation period" was him being able to match my enthusiasm. he pointed out that i was naturally just more excitable than he is, and i can't deny that. we are different people, but for some reason, i feel compelled to be with him and i don't want to live my life without him in it. he's upped his game, so to speak, too. i can't really verbalize it, but it seems as though he's more affectionate, more proud to me with me. all i can say is that i appreciate it. haters can hate. =)

i've reunited with a couple of friends that i haven't seen in years, and that was really great to do. one girl lives in chicago currently, and the other will be back here in the summer--she's currently working towards her masters in irish literature at trinity university in dublin. fabulous! it'll be nice to have more friends in chicago--it's frustrating sometimes, as my best girliefriends are in nashville. i've never quite had the same kind of sisterhood here since i came back.

my new friend katy and i recently went to the art institute of chicago to check out a couple of exhibits. we examined this graphic design exhibit (katy works for an ad/marketing agency so that was of interest to her) as well as an architectural exhibit, but most fascinating was a compilation of edward hopper's life works. he's most famous for his lighthouses and the picture of the diner, but watching his work progress from the beginning of his career to the end was incredible. evocative, but simple, well-conceived and imaginative, his work sought to create tension and leave it unresolved--many of the scenes he painted with people in them left the storyline open to interpretation by the observer, instead of conveying a specific message. not usually keen on visual art, needless to say, i was swept away.

anyway, i've got this huge math test tomorrow. i need to get a good grade on this so i can pass my freaking math class. i'm really over this semester. i'm really over the undergraduate experience.

speaking of school, i have decided...(for now, this is the plan)...to go to graduate school to study sociology, specifically feminist theory and perhaps public policy. that book i read, "female chauvinist pigs: women and the rise of raunch culture" really changed my perspective and spoke to me. if there's anything i'm passionate about, it's sexuality, and i believe that every girl has the right to the discovery and fulfillment of her sexual identity. if i can do something to encourage this idea, then maybe that's what i should be doing.

i'll be back sooner rather than later.
xoxo.

reunification.

before i explain the meaning behind this post, i have to say that i'm listening to UK radio, and they're playing this fabulous amy winehouse song that i have not been privileged to hear before this moment. god bless her soul, she's a mess. hopefully she stops smoking crack long enough to make some more good music.

so, when i say reunification, i think you readers know what i'm talking about. yes.

jack and i are back together.

okay now, hold your questions until i get in town. which i hope you all know that my visit is approaching quickly.

i have the feeling that things will be different. and i'm happy! isn't that what matters? i know the answer to that.

red is my new favorite color.

so not only is red the new color of my blog's background, it is also the color of my hair. i think that it only makes sense that i am a redhead. of course, i am a beautiful chestnut brunette ala naturale, but being red is only justification for the fiery personality that we all hold near and dear.

oh lord. what am i even talking about?

i was thinking this morning, in a semi-drunken/hungover state, how much i want red-headed kids, and how fucked up it would be if i dyed their hair. har har.

keeping with the red-head theme, jack and i are talking again. we are not dating or feeling on each other or anything, but i love him. notice: this is different than being IN love with someone, but i love him the way you'd love a pet. but like my bf katie points out, "katie, you need a man, not a puppy." so true. i can't change jack but goddammit i wish he would wake up and know that he is good enough for me--and then start acting like it.

love you ladies. think i'm coming february 28th. word.