Where to begin?

I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do. It is perhaps a problem that I want to accomplish too many things--this drive, while ambitious, leaves me confused and with no starting point. When I determine a path, I end up questioning it. I don't know how to not question it.

The fact of the matter is, every day that I don't do something with music (specifically MY music, because most of the time I deny to myself that I am even a musician) I die a little more inside. I know, I know, dramatic--but perhaps not altogether untrue. When I sing, it is the only time that my mind isn't filled with nonsense, and I feel most at peace.

Now, my rabbi has said that I should become a cantor--he understands what singing does for me--but holy or liturgical music is not my experience. Sure, the haunting melodies moved me as a girl in Hebrew school. In fact, the song sessions after Tuesday afternoon hours provided the only lasting connection between me and Judaism. But, in writing, my life molds the melody, my actions write the words, therefore making what comes out of my mouth holy. It is the closest I ever get to the truth.

I don't even know where to start. Sure, I've probably expressed this somewhat before. I've been to music business classes, read how-to websites, I've even listened to Dave Barnes talk about how he started his musical journey. Yet, I don't want to pretend that I know what I'm doing. This world is so much about projecting an image, and I know very much that I don't know what I'm doing, nor do I know what to project since I can admit I don't know much. Of course, I prefer this state to pretending to know, but since I don't have a "face" conjured up for the "real world" I don't think people will respect or encourage my efforts. Although the normal advice might be, "You won't know until you try," I think my question is a little more complicated.

Not even sure if there's really an answer. Like my wise rabbi told me, "You are a seeker. And the problem with seekers, is that seekers never find."

forgive me, for i have been careless...

...it's been too long. there have been a lot of things happening since i last updated. some good, some bad, but a little bit of everything.

jack and i are doing really well. in the last post, i announced that we were back together. i think i was a little worried about how things would go, but life is back to normal...with a little more energy. one of the things that jack and i talked about during the "negotiation period" was him being able to match my enthusiasm. he pointed out that i was naturally just more excitable than he is, and i can't deny that. we are different people, but for some reason, i feel compelled to be with him and i don't want to live my life without him in it. he's upped his game, so to speak, too. i can't really verbalize it, but it seems as though he's more affectionate, more proud to me with me. all i can say is that i appreciate it. haters can hate. =)

i've reunited with a couple of friends that i haven't seen in years, and that was really great to do. one girl lives in chicago currently, and the other will be back here in the summer--she's currently working towards her masters in irish literature at trinity university in dublin. fabulous! it'll be nice to have more friends in chicago--it's frustrating sometimes, as my best girliefriends are in nashville. i've never quite had the same kind of sisterhood here since i came back.

my new friend katy and i recently went to the art institute of chicago to check out a couple of exhibits. we examined this graphic design exhibit (katy works for an ad/marketing agency so that was of interest to her) as well as an architectural exhibit, but most fascinating was a compilation of edward hopper's life works. he's most famous for his lighthouses and the picture of the diner, but watching his work progress from the beginning of his career to the end was incredible. evocative, but simple, well-conceived and imaginative, his work sought to create tension and leave it unresolved--many of the scenes he painted with people in them left the storyline open to interpretation by the observer, instead of conveying a specific message. not usually keen on visual art, needless to say, i was swept away.

anyway, i've got this huge math test tomorrow. i need to get a good grade on this so i can pass my freaking math class. i'm really over this semester. i'm really over the undergraduate experience.

speaking of school, i have decided...(for now, this is the plan)...to go to graduate school to study sociology, specifically feminist theory and perhaps public policy. that book i read, "female chauvinist pigs: women and the rise of raunch culture" really changed my perspective and spoke to me. if there's anything i'm passionate about, it's sexuality, and i believe that every girl has the right to the discovery and fulfillment of her sexual identity. if i can do something to encourage this idea, then maybe that's what i should be doing.

i'll be back sooner rather than later.
xoxo.

reunification.

before i explain the meaning behind this post, i have to say that i'm listening to UK radio, and they're playing this fabulous amy winehouse song that i have not been privileged to hear before this moment. god bless her soul, she's a mess. hopefully she stops smoking crack long enough to make some more good music.

so, when i say reunification, i think you readers know what i'm talking about. yes.

jack and i are back together.

okay now, hold your questions until i get in town. which i hope you all know that my visit is approaching quickly.

i have the feeling that things will be different. and i'm happy! isn't that what matters? i know the answer to that.

red is my new favorite color.

so not only is red the new color of my blog's background, it is also the color of my hair. i think that it only makes sense that i am a redhead. of course, i am a beautiful chestnut brunette ala naturale, but being red is only justification for the fiery personality that we all hold near and dear.

oh lord. what am i even talking about?

i was thinking this morning, in a semi-drunken/hungover state, how much i want red-headed kids, and how fucked up it would be if i dyed their hair. har har.

keeping with the red-head theme, jack and i are talking again. we are not dating or feeling on each other or anything, but i love him. notice: this is different than being IN love with someone, but i love him the way you'd love a pet. but like my bf katie points out, "katie, you need a man, not a puppy." so true. i can't change jack but goddammit i wish he would wake up and know that he is good enough for me--and then start acting like it.

love you ladies. think i'm coming february 28th. word.

okay, okay. growing pains.

so, i was sitting here this evening, going over my life of the past year or so, and i've come to some really great conclusions without particularly sticking to one way of thinking, or one opinion, etc. what i think i'm realizing is that when i felt so ill almost a year ago with the idea that i had 5 years clean and felt no different inside, i was still living my life according to other people's ideas, silent demands, etc. what i'm coming to understand and therefore experience now, is collecting ideas that work, because they make sense or make me feel a certain way--wouldn't that be as authentic as it gets?

i certainly hope so. no one can really tell us what direction to go in--we may take their suggestions and head out onto that road, but how many of us follow it the entire way?

is this how to live, though? to be in charge of my own destiny? would it be fair to say that God has a hand in our decisions, anyway? that the truth always exists, and our decisions become the right ones, because we continue to learn from our experience?

growing up is hard to do. any suggestions/thoughts?

transformation of values.

i'm contemplating not giving a fuck.

what do i mean by that? geez, if only i really knew what that entailed.

how much of our perception is made up of games we play with ourselves and with others? how can we truly see life clearly? do we pray to a God that we hope exists, in fear that without something we can't understand, we're actually left with ourselves and our insanity?

i am stuck between the intellectual process by which my life operates, and the pursuit of a spiritual way of being that doesn't involve self-obsession.

i'm going to go bloody mad.

i need to do something for someone else...but i don't even really know what that means.

so this is the new year...

...and i DO feel very different.

God, things are so fucking good. That's right.

I will update more later when it's not 3:30am and my eyelids aren't drooping onto the upper rims of my glasses.

Jess, if you're reading this, I miss you already.
To everyone else who should be reading this blog, you are missed as a part of a longing continuum. So don't feel left out.