okay, okay. growing pains.

so, i was sitting here this evening, going over my life of the past year or so, and i've come to some really great conclusions without particularly sticking to one way of thinking, or one opinion, etc. what i think i'm realizing is that when i felt so ill almost a year ago with the idea that i had 5 years clean and felt no different inside, i was still living my life according to other people's ideas, silent demands, etc. what i'm coming to understand and therefore experience now, is collecting ideas that work, because they make sense or make me feel a certain way--wouldn't that be as authentic as it gets?

i certainly hope so. no one can really tell us what direction to go in--we may take their suggestions and head out onto that road, but how many of us follow it the entire way?

is this how to live, though? to be in charge of my own destiny? would it be fair to say that God has a hand in our decisions, anyway? that the truth always exists, and our decisions become the right ones, because we continue to learn from our experience?

growing up is hard to do. any suggestions/thoughts?

transformation of values.

i'm contemplating not giving a fuck.

what do i mean by that? geez, if only i really knew what that entailed.

how much of our perception is made up of games we play with ourselves and with others? how can we truly see life clearly? do we pray to a God that we hope exists, in fear that without something we can't understand, we're actually left with ourselves and our insanity?

i am stuck between the intellectual process by which my life operates, and the pursuit of a spiritual way of being that doesn't involve self-obsession.

i'm going to go bloody mad.

i need to do something for someone else...but i don't even really know what that means.

so this is the new year...

...and i DO feel very different.

God, things are so fucking good. That's right.

I will update more later when it's not 3:30am and my eyelids aren't drooping onto the upper rims of my glasses.

Jess, if you're reading this, I miss you already.
To everyone else who should be reading this blog, you are missed as a part of a longing continuum. So don't feel left out.