drove to chicago.

"you came to take us
all things go, all things go
to recreate us
all things grow, all things grow
we had our minds set
all things known, all things known,
you had to find it
all things go, all things go"

you know, despite the fact that i haven't lived my life in a way that seems most beneficial to me now, it's been exactly the way it's supposed to have been. i could take the attitude that everything sucks and life is awful and futile and pointless, and the only refuge i have is to feel sorry for myself. i really can't do that.

i feel so hopeful about what may lie ahead. but also, about what the present means. the present is emotion that i never wanted to feel, tasks i never wanted to complete, a person i always hid from. i am here in this moment, naked and cold, ready to be clothed and made warm again.

thank God for sufjan stevens. i think i have spiritual experiences through music and the way it makes me feel more than anything else.

lars and the real girl.

i was touched last night. waiting in the theater for "lars and the real girl" to begin, i wasn't sure what i was expecting to see. the previews i'd seen revealed very little about the story of the movie, but i had the inkling it'd be something i'd enjoy.

i'm not a writer. i can't craft sentences. i'm not flowery. i appreciate people's use of language, and there are many ways i'd like to say things. but i guess it's not me. i'm pretty straightforward.

"lars" proved to me that love does exist. many things handicap our ability to be emotional, to love, to care about other people, but this movie abandoned the boundaries people create for themselves. The movie encouraged a man, terrified of being loved or unloved, to take his time, to have a relationship that would allow himself to be present to the relationships that really did exist in his life. this movie also demonstrated the capacity a community has, to love someone despite their perception of reality. the great thing about this movie, however, is that it allows the question, "what is real?" to be tossed about in one scene, but then cradled like an infant in another. what is real, of course, is whatever we want it to be, and the movie knows.

i may not be particularly good at expressing myself in words, but i don't know how else i can say that this film was incredible, and there is absolutely no reason why you shouldn't see it. this movie strengthens my faith in love.

worrrrrd.

i'm busy. but am i really busy? or am i busy doing things that make me feel busy, when i'm not actually getting anything done? heh.

sometimes you have to wonder, "is this really what's meant to be occurring?" but then, i respond, well, yeah, it is, because it's happening. so whatever's happening now is what should be happening. even if it sucks, it's great, it's boring, it's whatever. our perception doesn't change the reality of now. or does it? our perception can mask reality, try to make it what we think it ought to be, should be, what we want it to be, but really, there's a constant of the universe that exists whether we like it or not. i believe that there is a capital T Truth and it's up to use to acknowledge, live, and stand for it.

i have no idea where that came from. i guess that's what happens when you don't really have anything to say, but you decide to blog.

anyway, i've been realizing some really great things. there are all these decisions i've made over the course of my life to make my life what it is. i've spent a lot of time thinking that life has happened to me to make me what i am, when really i have the choice to choose sanity over insanity. life isn't just something that washes over me and makes me helpless in my current situation. i really have the ability to connect with others and make a decision in a direction that helps me to be me, the effective human being that i was made to be.

yessssir.

well, well.

here we are.
::sniff sniff::
i love the smell of fall.

i wrote a poem/song yesterday.
i'm not totally happy with the music i set to it, so that may change, but last night, i found myself driving in the dark, on the verge of tears. i stopped for some smokes (bad girl) and fought them to write what i felt would come out. it turned into a tale of reconciling the decision i made and the pain that comes with it, but ultimately, the time that suffering is endured is actually meant for healing. so...we'll see.

i'm meeting with this guy, wayne, on thursday. he's a bassist, plays in a blues/funk/pop band, and we're going to work on some music together. i'm pretty excited about it.

i know no one reads this anymore, but with the hope that there is still an audience, i bid you adieu.