red is my new favorite color.

so not only is red the new color of my blog's background, it is also the color of my hair. i think that it only makes sense that i am a redhead. of course, i am a beautiful chestnut brunette ala naturale, but being red is only justification for the fiery personality that we all hold near and dear.

oh lord. what am i even talking about?

i was thinking this morning, in a semi-drunken/hungover state, how much i want red-headed kids, and how fucked up it would be if i dyed their hair. har har.

keeping with the red-head theme, jack and i are talking again. we are not dating or feeling on each other or anything, but i love him. notice: this is different than being IN love with someone, but i love him the way you'd love a pet. but like my bf katie points out, "katie, you need a man, not a puppy." so true. i can't change jack but goddammit i wish he would wake up and know that he is good enough for me--and then start acting like it.

love you ladies. think i'm coming february 28th. word.

okay, okay. growing pains.

so, i was sitting here this evening, going over my life of the past year or so, and i've come to some really great conclusions without particularly sticking to one way of thinking, or one opinion, etc. what i think i'm realizing is that when i felt so ill almost a year ago with the idea that i had 5 years clean and felt no different inside, i was still living my life according to other people's ideas, silent demands, etc. what i'm coming to understand and therefore experience now, is collecting ideas that work, because they make sense or make me feel a certain way--wouldn't that be as authentic as it gets?

i certainly hope so. no one can really tell us what direction to go in--we may take their suggestions and head out onto that road, but how many of us follow it the entire way?

is this how to live, though? to be in charge of my own destiny? would it be fair to say that God has a hand in our decisions, anyway? that the truth always exists, and our decisions become the right ones, because we continue to learn from our experience?

growing up is hard to do. any suggestions/thoughts?

transformation of values.

i'm contemplating not giving a fuck.

what do i mean by that? geez, if only i really knew what that entailed.

how much of our perception is made up of games we play with ourselves and with others? how can we truly see life clearly? do we pray to a God that we hope exists, in fear that without something we can't understand, we're actually left with ourselves and our insanity?

i am stuck between the intellectual process by which my life operates, and the pursuit of a spiritual way of being that doesn't involve self-obsession.

i'm going to go bloody mad.

i need to do something for someone else...but i don't even really know what that means.

so this is the new year...

...and i DO feel very different.

God, things are so fucking good. That's right.

I will update more later when it's not 3:30am and my eyelids aren't drooping onto the upper rims of my glasses.

Jess, if you're reading this, I miss you already.
To everyone else who should be reading this blog, you are missed as a part of a longing continuum. So don't feel left out.

ooh! this is fun.

look! a giraffe!

hahahahaha oooohohohohoh hehehehehe. that's just what came to mind. see the giraffe? see him? he's purdy. he's eating all the leaves off of my tree.

what can i say? it's finals and i don't care. i'm moving in approximately 5 and a half days and I have yet to start packing. yesssssir.

wish me luck, or freaking come help. my new apartment is amazing, and my new roommate is pretty funny too. we talked tonight about making snow angels in our little backyard because she's going to be so enthralled with seeing snow (she's moving to chicago from birmingham, alabama). she's in for an icy surprise.

anyhoooooo. update when i'm not feeling so sillllllly.

oh, what a crazy time it is.

it seems as though i'm updating, really, just to shout out to the world that i do not like being isolated in my apartment, furiously typing away at a paper that i will be done with tomorrow and forgotten about the next day. i do not like being disconnected from the joy i feel about life and the ability to live it, but rather am confined to a small space with no opportunity to play and experience with people i like spending time with. i do not like feeling depressed and alone with no relief in the near future--especially since i am not a depressive person at all, and loneliness has a hard time being dignified when you take its time away with useless bullshit like german skits, sociology papers, and last-minute tests.

ahhh. breathe. this will be over soon, and i can go back to the ease of living in the moment. comparatively speaking, it seems a lot easier to not worry about everything i have to do--but rather focus on the time that is now, being silent and counting every beat of my heart as the first.